This information sheet is based on what bereaved people have told us about some of their experiences.

We are all deeply affected by the death of someone close and the sense of loss and pain can be very intense. Sometimes our feelings of grief may be so strong that we fear that we are losing control. However it is normal and natural to grieve when someone dies. Nothing can replace the person who has died, but with time, we can find new sources of strength.

Grieving may begin soon after someone dies, although some people grieve for a relatively short period of time, whilst others may find that they need a much longer period of adjustment.

For some of us, cultural traditions and ceremonies around the mourning and grieving may be public and expressive; for others it is usual to deal with things in a more private way. Some people find it easier to show their feelings than others, but many find that at some stage it may help to talk and share feelings. At The Dove Service we have counsellors for you to talk to in private and who can listen to and respect your own personal experience and circumstances.

Emotions and Feelings
You may be experiencing some of the following feelings, which people often have:

Shock and Numbness
Your mind may not be able to take everything at once and you may feel a sense of disbelief. Numbness is a natural reaction, which cushions us against the loss and allows time to feel it more slowly.

Grief and Sadness
You may be feeling intense pangs of loss and sadness. It is common to feel a strong yearning for the person who has died and for everything you have shared.

Guilt
You may feel regret and find yourself going over in your mind all the things you would have liked to have said or done differently. Sometimes there may be a sense of guilt because of feeling some relief that someone has died, particularly after a painful or a distressing illness. Guilt and regret are a common part of trying to make sense of something that often seems senseless.

Memories
Sometimes it feels difficult to think about anything else apart from the person who has died or to avoid reliving all the events surrounding their death. Memories, particularly at first may be painful, but with time, it may be possible to recall happier memories of the person who has died.

Anger
Sometimes the hurt of losing someone you love comes out in feelings of anger or rage. You may have a strong feeling of ‘why has this been allowed to happen to me?'. It is also common to feel angry with the person who has died, perhaps because they have left you by yourself and to struggle with grief.

Shame
You may feel some embarrassment or shame for seeming helpless or being emotional. Sometimes it is difficult to avoid being hard on yourself for not reacting as you might wish, even at such a difficult time.

Loneliness
It is common to miss deeply the physical presence of the person who has died. You may feel lonely and isolated and it may be difficult at times to be in the company of others when your thoughts are turned inwards.

Depression
You may feel that you have lost a sense of purpose and little seems worthwhile. Moods of depression and despair can feel very powerful and getting through each day may take enormous effort. With time though, this can change, even if it is difficult to imagine things improving at the moment.

The feelings described above can be especially powerful when someone has died in particularly tragic circumstances. They may be even stronger when you depended on the person who has died, if your relationship was going through a bad patch or if you are trying to cope with other problems as well. If the person who has died did not treat you well (for example, if they were violent or had alcohol or drug related problems), it is common to feel very mixed feelings about their death, which can be difficult to deal with.

Other circumstances can be particularly hard too, for example, coping with the death of a child or a young person. Many people feel that whilst they can never get over the death of their child, they can eventually find a way of carrying on with their lives.

Whatever your particular situation, letting your feelings come out can be part of the natural healing process. It does not matter that you lose self-control – bottling your feelings up may make you feel worse in the long run.

Some people may go through what feels like uncontrollable outbursts of crying; others both men and women, may feel unable to cry. While crying can help you cope, others find relief for their sadness in other ways.

Physical Feelings
Even if you haven't felt the above emotions, your body may react to the crisis in physical ways. These are often your body's way of expressing distress and can happen soon after someone dies or many months later.

Some Common experiences are :

•  Tiredness, sleeplessness or bad dreams

•  Anxiety and feeling of panic

•  Being forgetful and loss of concentration

•  Dizziness, palpitations or shaking

•  Difficulty with breathing or a choking feeling in the throat or chest

•  Changed interest in sex

•  Nausea, diarrhoea or loss of appetite

•  Muscular tension and headaches, backache or neck-ache

•  Menstrual problems

Family, Friends and Those Around Us
Some people may feel isolated after the death of someone close. You may find that your loss puts a strain on existing relationships. For example, you feel that you are not getting enough support from others, particularly if they also knew the person who died and are dealing with their own grief. It may also not be possible for you to give as much help as other people need at this time.

People do not always react as you expect or would like after someone dies. Many do not know what to say and may not understand what you are experiencing. Some may be embarrassed, uncomfortable or too painfully reminded of their own trouble or losses. Some may only see death as a relief after an illness or be aware of how important the person who has died was to you.

Family anniversaries, birthdays and festivals can bring special sadness. It is at these times when you may particularly miss someone, recall memories of happier times or be more aware that they are no longer around.

Despite these possible difficulties, the time after a death can sometimes lead to people coming together and developing more closeness.

Making your feelings easier to bear
After someone dies, each individual person will find that different things seem to enable him or her to cope better. Some of the following are likely to be helpful for you :

•  Give yourself time
Take the healing process at your own pace, taking things one step at a time. Take each moment as it comes, particularly when things seem very bad.

•  Support
You will probably need other people's practical and emotional help. Try to ask those around you for support, particularly if you are going through a bad patch. Most people will be glad to find out how they can help.

•  Memories
Remembering may be painful at first because of sad memories, but recalling happier times can be positive. Although this will not bring the person back, it can help us feel that the person is still around in many ways.

•  Talking to others
When you are ready to do so, talk with people around you about what happened and your loss. It can sometimes be particularly helpful to talk with others who have had similar experiences. Avoid bottling up feelings – tell people how you feel.

•  Looking after yourself
Gradually notice what comforts you. Try to eat properly, even if you find you have lost your appetite. Treat yourself to some of your favourite food and give yourself other little treats which you usually find enjoyable such as going for a walk or taking a relaxing bath.

•  Rest
Take time to rest, to relax and be with friends.

•  Activity
As well as resting, some people find activity or exercise useful. However, don't overdo things.

•  Privacy
Sometimes you will just need to be alone or with close family or friends.

•  Stability
Where possible, avoid rushing into making major changes in your life. A period of relative stability in your home, work and other important areas can be helpful. Try to keep your life as normal as possible with some sort of regular routine.

•  Check your use of alcohol and drugs
Avoid relying too much on alcohol, smoking or drugs for non-medical reasons. A significant increase in using these can especially affect your health at this time and is unlikely to be the best way to help you cope in the long term.

•  Be aware of accidents
At this stressful time, accidents are more likely to happen. It might sound unnecessary, but be extra careful at home and if you have a car, drive carefully.

•  Try new things
If you find yourself ready, try taking up new activities or interests. It may help to start to get to know new people although this may feel daunting at first.

The Future
After someone dies things cannot be the same again. However, the passing of time can allow us to work through our feelings of grief. Unexpected reminders (for example, visiting a particular place) can trigger off pangs of grief again, but gradually we may become more able to face the future.

It may be too early right now to think about the future, but some people come to realise that they owe it to themselves or to the person they have lost to slowly get themselves going again. We can discover strengths within ourselves, which we did not know we had and these things can help us make a positive new beginning.

We have outlined here just some of the common aspects of grief and ways of helping cope with bereavement. If you see a counsellor at The Dove Service, you are welcome to talk though anything mentioned here or other feelings or experiences you may have.

The Dove Service

01782 683155

01782 683153